New Year

It has been a long time since my last post.  I went on a hiatus of sorts...so many things have happened since then.  My world changed in 2014.  By the time 2015 rolled around, I was so relieved with the expectation of new beginnings, preparing for graduation...but I met 2015 with challenges that I frankly did not think I would survive.  My husband retired from his job with a medical disability and husband was hospitalized multiple times.  My mental health was in distress and it became necessary to take a leave of absence from work.  Every turn it seemed there was something breaking my spirit into pieces.  Sure there were rays of light here and there in 2015...my college graduation, my niece going off to college, beginning a new job; but there were the absolute heartbreaks-the deaths of friends and family members, notably my father in law. The grief and sadness just does not let up! My daughter in law lost her mother.  Then a week later her sister's father died.  The love of my life, my rock, my everything, is fighting for his life.  I am trying to be optimistic about 2016.  I have a new focus on health and wellness for myself, and know that whatever comes my way I have the tools to deal with what comes along.

In December 2011, I met an incredible person.  At the time, I didn't know they were particularly phenomenal, and I had no idea that they would touch my life and have such a profound impact on me.

This person was Sam Gordon.  Sam was a Physician Assistant at my clinic.  Right away he was amazing with the patients and staff...he ALWAYS had a smile on his face, kinds words and easy going demeanor.  He even followed a patient home to make sure they arrived safely when they had to take the clinic's oxygen tank because they ran out.  He didn't even think twice.  He just did it.  He was so...( I just can't find words!)...he was just so compassionate and kind and caring. It was as if he had always been a part of our clinic...He was someone you just felt you had known forever.

On May 28th, 2012, Sam died at home in his sleep.  I have dealt with some really devastating losses in the last five years, but Sam?  It devastated our clinic.  He touched each person's life in the short eight weeks that he was there.  Like I said, it was as if he had always been a part of our clinic family.

The memorial for Sam was so beautiful. His family loved him so much, and it was so apparent that he loved them with a love that was bigger life.   It was one of the most touching, meaningful yet heartbreaking that I have ever attended.  Though I only knew him for a very short time, he touch my life and those around him in a way that I don't think we will ever be the same.

Tell the people around you that you love them.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Live with abandon, yet gently.
R.I.P. Samuel Lyman Gordon.  My life is richer for having known you.

Tiana & Andrew III, Rest in Peace my Angels Until We Meet Again.

I have tried to write this entry at least 5 times. I haven't been able to do it. Friday December 4th was the saddest day of my life this far. My grandchildren Tiana and Andrew III were born far too early and were gone in an instant. I was there for the miracle of their birth, to see them and hold them. To see my first grandson, to see how much my second granddaughter looked just like her sister. To hold my first born son as he grieved for his children. To comfort my daughter in law for her unimaginable loss. To lean on my husband when I thought the grief would overwhelm me.
I have experienced so much loss over the last year or so. I have had some incredibly sad days, but this is nothing I have ever experienced. The sadness comes on like a sneaker wave; I have to fight not to be completely overtaken. It has no warning, no trigger, it just is. Like air. Everywhere but nowhere. The tears seem to never dry. Always perched precariously at the edge of my eyes, waiting for the slightest provocation to fall., seemingly connected to the empty feeling in the center of my heart that only God will be able to fill for me now.
I thank God that I have some faith, because if I didn't I could not do it. If my husband and my arms will always ache for the grandchildren we lost, how more must their mother and father feel for the longing to nurture their babies? How must their father, my child feel for the loss of his babies? Their sister, who knew she had little brother and sister twins? I grieve not only for me, but for them. That is what mothers and grandmothers do I suppose.

It has been 8 days now.  I would like to say it has gotten better.  I would love to say that don't feel sad.  It is the holiday season. I am trying to see the beauty, remember the reason for this season, not only the holiday season but this season in my life. This too shall pass, but while I am in it I pray for the wisdom too glean what I need to out of the darkness, and look forward to the emergence to light that will eventually come. They were only in our lives physically for less than 24 hours, but they will live in our hearts and memories forever. We will see them again.

When words just are not enough....

A lot has happened in the 3 months since my last post. I turned 40, I lost a dear cousin who was only 33 and a new mom, Michael Jackson freaking died!!!, I booked a cruise, my son got swine flu (yeah, I know huh?) I lost a dear friend and tribulator in the Lord and now one of my best girls is a widow. I put on 5 pounds. I found out I will be the grandmother of twins. I got a raise AND additional responsibility at work. I'm telling you I have experienced quite a bit, to the point that I just have not had the energy to blog. My brain has just felt on overload, I can't quite process an event before something else is happening.

I'm baaaack though! I have found that life is so short. Too much time is spent waiting to lose weight, waiting to make more money, waiting to get the right job, man, whatever. I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around many of these things. It's really hard to put into words so I have to just give it to God and know that He knows what He is doing. When nothing makes a LICK OF SENSE, I have to know that is only because I am seeing just a partial view of the picture. He sees the whole thing.

So, with that said I am coming at life face forward, hair flying in the wind seeing where it takes me. It's the least I can do.