15 more chances...

I don't about you, but I remember when Cheetos's had a nacho cheese flavor.  I was addicted to those things.  I was in the throes of a wicked bout of chemo and rarely had much of an appetite, but oh, those Cheetos were the best.  Absolutely no nutritional value,but I really didn't care.  The last time I had them was Mother's Day 1997. I remember that day like yesterday.  It was a beautiful day.  We spent the morning at church, then just drove around and had a relaxing day.  I remember that I had to protect my skin from the sun because of all the medications I was taking to protect my organs from the chemo treatments.

I had no idea where the bruises and tiny red dots that covered my body had come from.  When I called the nurse to report the strange sight, she immediately directed me to the hospital to receive a platelet transfusion.  My body had stopped making them.  I remember craving the Cheetos!  I told the boys that I would be going to the hospital and would be back in a couple of hours. It was 6:00 p.m. No worries. While I got settled into my room and prepped to get the platelets, Andrew went to get my Cheetos. 

I don't remember many details of what happened next, but I do remember this: the odd sensation of not being able to take a full breath.  Of barely being able to stand, but catching a glimpse of my swollen face in the mirror as I stumbled to the hospital bed.  Of collapsing, yet still being conscious but not having control of my body.  I remember the sea of faces as the code was called.  The nurse jamming a needle into my arm and saying "stay with us now, it's ok, we are giving you something to help".  The doctor with a crash cart...I remember the thoughts running through my mind...that I would die on Mothers Day.  That I told my boys I would be back home. That my husband was sitting at the foot of my bed and was going to witness this. I remember those things, I remember thinking that I hope he and the boys knew how much I loved them.

When I woke up, it was dark in the room.  My husband was resting his head at the foot of the bed.  I thought, oh my goodness I died and he is distraught.  I actually pinched myself (very hard I might add), to make sure that I was indeed alive.  It was 2:30 a.m. I called for the nurse and asked to be discharged.  She tried to talk me out of it, but I was insistent.  I wanted to hug my boys.  I wanted to sleep in my bed next to my husband.  I wanted to eat my Cheetoes!!

Ironically, in my haste to leave the hospital I left the Cheetoes!!  Really!   Oh but I gained so much more.  Though just weeks later I would be told that there was nothing more that could be done to stop the rapid spread of the cancer, and then learning I could participate in a study...I was given a chance that has turned into 15 more.   I have been give 15 years of life.  15 more birthdays.  15 more anniversaries. 15 more chances to be completely awed by my sons.  2 chances to see my children graduate.  3 chances to see my grandchildren's births, and the chance to anxiously await the birth of the 5th.  2 chances to say goodbyes to my grandmothers.  15 more chances to honor my mother and father.  I have been so blessed that it is almost surreal. 

I know who was in charge that night.  God had his hand on me.  I still don't know why, but I don't ever want to take for granted what He did for me then and continues to do for me now.   I pray that God will give many, many more years to serve Him and enjoy this life that has been gifted to me. I am blessed beyond measure, and one day, just one day...Frito Lay will make nacho cheese flavored Cheetoes.

Seasons

The past few days of early November of 2010 have been beautiful.  Even though it is well into fall, the sky is blue, the weather warm and balmy.  With eyes closed, one could imagine a early summer afternoon.  The winds are blustery, but not too much so that the day couldn't be enjoyed.  I love the colors. Gold, burgundy, red, dark green, orange. The colors are so alive and vivid.   My eyes can't get enough.  I find myself walking with my head up, watching the color scape go by and just wanting fall to never end so I can just enjoy the amazing colors and sensations, a treat for the senses.  Being a La Nina year, it has brought us a mild summer, and led us into a beautiful autumn season. Endless Indian Summer.  It is definitely my favorite season of the year.  Though eventually the leaves fade and then blow away slowly, the promise of winter and depending on the weather pattern of La Nino, bringing a milder dry winter or La Nina, cold and wet there is always spring that brings us color, warmth and new hope and anticipation of all things new.

As I walked and enjoyed the splendor of it all, it made me think of the seasons of life.  I would say that I am definitely in late, late summer.  I'm talking a week to a few days before the equinox!  I stopped and reflected to myself that I am sure that 10-20 years ago I would have said spring or summer were my favorite season because of the sunshine and bright flowers.  I'm sure I would not have considered winter, with its bleak, colorless canvas.  As I reflect on where I am in life, I wonder what the La Nina or La Nino weather pattern will bring me.  Metaphorically speaking my trees are still strong and full of the vigor of summer, but there are subtle hints that fall is around corner.  The curling of a leaf here and there, the almost imperceptible fading of green to orange, gold or pale green.  It doesn't feel like fall, but you know it is around the corner and time to prepare for it.

I wonder what my fall will be.  I thought about all the seasons that I have been through in my 40 some years (that I can really remember, mostly as an adult).  Some years seemed like summer held on long into October, with leaves stubbornly staying green and lush.  The hardest winds unable to shake the leaves free.  Other years found summer a distant memory long before the equinox occurs in late September, seeming to end on that last day before school starts.  One can no more predict or control what may come.  Some people will have long, long summers.  Others will barely have one and not be fortunate to enjoy much of fall before thrust into the harsh winter.  One never knows.

I plan to contine to walk with my head up, savoring the beauty of the seasons I have left.  I hope to be wise enough to recognize and embrace whatever weather pattern I have to endure.  My fall will be here before I know it, giving way to winter.  The thing is though, our winter will give birth to someone else's spring, be it our children, grandchildren or others whose lives we touch. And so it will go on.

Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada

Okay, that title has nothing to do with what is on my mind...or maybe it does, aaah, I don't know.

I really have to get better at blogging what's on my mind when it comes to my mind.  What always happens is I don't get it down and then I loose it but know that I had something I wanted to share but for the life of me can't remember what it is.  Figures.  The story of my life sometimes.

So in a few weeks my first born child will be 24 years old.  24.  That's like almost 25, which is a quarter of a century! That my friends, is freaking amazing to me.  Ok, for one I don't feel my age ( ok, maybe some mornings I do, or when I go hang out with my crew and don't get enough rest the next day!)...I mean I am 40, almost 41  ( for all you who are trying to do the math right now, yes, I was 16 when I gave birth) I really usually feel like I am in some crazy time warp trying to figure what the hell just happened...What do mean I've been married 22 years???  Kids?  Grown? Married?  Grandchildren??  I'm still trying to figure out how to be a grown up!  Amazing that I managed to stay married to the same man all these years, have a career and raise two self suffiecient, responsible, civic minded men.  Wow.  I did that.  Me!!!

But the reality is, life is happening man!  It's happening right before my eyes.  While I am relatively content with my little world, I know there are places I want to go, things I want to experience... I have the freedome to do somethings, within reason for a married woman, I mean I probably won't be backpacking across Europe by myself, or spending 40 days in seclusion at a Tibetian Monastary, since I have others to take into consideration.  But there is a whole world of living yet to be lived out there!  I keep hearing that 40 is the new 25, however I have no desire to relive 25!  That would mean kids and responsibility for me.  No, 40 is the new 40 for me.  I feel good, look good and will have fun figuring out how to be that 40+ year old grown up, with the Husband in tow, kicking and screaming!

Well It's about Time, and Dream Really Do Come True!

Okay, I really intended to blog everyday while I was on vacation, to capture the awe and amazement of fulfilling so many dreams...But that didn't happen. First of all, I was indeed in awe of the water, the sky, the ship, the fact that I didn't have to remember to put my pager next to the bed or find my phone in the morning in case some one tried to call me. I was in complete relax mode! (and the ship charged .75 cents a minute for Internet access...I'm not cheap, but that is ridiculous!)

So we started out with a relatively smooth flight, except when a passenger had a heart attack on the plane and had to be AED'd...or when one of the party that we were traveling with lost his wallet on the plane, and the airline personnel lied and said they look for it. (A passenger on the next flight found it sitting right on the seat in plain view. He FedEx'd it to him...Nice guy!) Miami was amazing, and HOT. We kind of felt like cattle on our way into the port to go through customs and the check in process was long to get onto the ship, but oh when we got there!!! Amazing! Between the drinks and food, and more drinks and a little more food and one more drink, we took off for our first stop in Samana, Dominican Republic. Then it was off to St. Thomas (my favorite), Tortola British Virgin Islands and finally Great Stirrup Cay, the cruise line's private island paradise.

It was on the island that my dream came true. Quite literally. See for years, 32 to be exact, I have been deathly afraid of water after a near drowning at 8 years old. I developed a mental block of the previous 3 years of learning to swim and loving it! I hated the water to come anywhere near my belly button...Oh, but something about the beautiful Caribbean ocean allayed those fears. For as long as I can remember I would have dreams about swimming under under water(I'm sure it means something)and seeing the fish and plankton. It would be so real. However there was no way I was going to do that in real life. Uh uh not me. But I did. I actually swam in the ocean and snorkeled. It was amazing and just like my dreams, but even better! It was so amazing to feel that sense of accomplishment, of doing something that I only could dream of.

I feel so empowered now. I feel like I can do anything, be anything (yep even at this old age!) Accomplish things that just seem so daunting. It was the trip of a lifetime up to this point. I plan on making other dreams come true too, so I will have to take more trips I guess!

Who Knew?

My husband lost his aunt on Tuesday. My best friend lost her father on Sunday. Another dear friend lost his brother a little more than a week ago. I have experienced more loss of very close people in the last year than my whole life. As I move up in age, those around me do too. My friends are burying their parents. Some have had to bury their husband or wife. Even children are not spared. I know that my turn will come. What can I learn from these events? Is there anything to learn? Yes. For one, know Whose you are and don't spend eternity in the smoking section. God made provisions for everybody, not believing it does not make it not so. Have a will. Put money away for your burial. Make your final wishes known to those close to you. Live and Love without regrets.

Death. It's all around us. It does not ask for an invitation to this little intimate party we call life. It crashes in, snatches the host is off to find the next party to crash.

We will all have our party crashed. Some parties will have been going on for some time, others maybe just beginning, you know that time in the party when you finally get enough courage to go dance, or favorite song is finally played...you know that time when you finally say to yourself, "I'm glad I came".

It is my hope that when my party gets crashed, that I am remembered as the hostess with the mostess. Generous, caring, not worried about who's spilling what on the carpet.

What kind of party will death crash for you? Make it so fly that he will want to stay around and party for awhile.