Tiana & Andrew III, Rest in Peace my Angels Until We Meet Again.

I have tried to write this entry at least 5 times. I haven't been able to do it. Friday December 4th was the saddest day of my life this far. My grandchildren Tiana and Andrew III were born far too early and were gone in an instant. I was there for the miracle of their birth, to see them and hold them. To see my first grandson, to see how much my second granddaughter looked just like her sister. To hold my first born son as he grieved for his children. To comfort my daughter in law for her unimaginable loss. To lean on my husband when I thought the grief would overwhelm me.
I have experienced so much loss over the last year or so. I have had some incredibly sad days, but this is nothing I have ever experienced. The sadness comes on like a sneaker wave; I have to fight not to be completely overtaken. It has no warning, no trigger, it just is. Like air. Everywhere but nowhere. The tears seem to never dry. Always perched precariously at the edge of my eyes, waiting for the slightest provocation to fall., seemingly connected to the empty feeling in the center of my heart that only God will be able to fill for me now.
I thank God that I have some faith, because if I didn't I could not do it. If my husband and my arms will always ache for the grandchildren we lost, how more must their mother and father feel for the longing to nurture their babies? How must their father, my child feel for the loss of his babies? Their sister, who knew she had little brother and sister twins? I grieve not only for me, but for them. That is what mothers and grandmothers do I suppose.

It has been 8 days now.  I would like to say it has gotten better.  I would love to say that don't feel sad.  It is the holiday season. I am trying to see the beauty, remember the reason for this season, not only the holiday season but this season in my life. This too shall pass, but while I am in it I pray for the wisdom too glean what I need to out of the darkness, and look forward to the emergence to light that will eventually come. They were only in our lives physically for less than 24 hours, but they will live in our hearts and memories forever. We will see them again.

The Perfect Thanksgiving II

Wow, another year, another Thanksgiving. This was a good one. Last year Perfect Thanksgiving 2008 I finally 'got it' and this year? Oh, I owned it! We had house guests, I hosted dinner this year, AGAIN. I was unsure how that would work since I worked late the day before. But somehow it was fine, It was organized and everything went off without a hitch. It was awesome and I was completely relaxed hanging with my family and enjoying every moment.  This year I am a mother-in-law...amazing.  It was quite surreal to have my son, his wife and granddaughter (and the twins who make their arrival in April). 

So I am constantly learning things about myself. So one thing is that I really enjoy having houseguests (ok, certain ones...the inlaws are the best ones!). I don't have to entertain them, I don't feel like my house has to be lick the floors clean or that the fridge should be stocked full of food. My house is large enough that we can have plenty of space and I can retreat to my own quarters when the 'Hostess with the Mostess' tank gets low.

Well, there is one more holiday left and I am sure we will have the opportunity to host someone. It will be the perfect opportunity to learn something else about myself.

Well It's about Time, and Dream Really Do Come True!

Okay, I really intended to blog everyday while I was on vacation, to capture the awe and amazement of fulfilling so many dreams...But that didn't happen. First of all, I was indeed in awe of the water, the sky, the ship, the fact that I didn't have to remember to put my pager next to the bed or find my phone in the morning in case some one tried to call me. I was in complete relax mode! (and the ship charged .75 cents a minute for Internet access...I'm not cheap, but that is ridiculous!)

So we started out with a relatively smooth flight, except when a passenger had a heart attack on the plane and had to be AED'd...or when one of the party that we were traveling with lost his wallet on the plane, and the airline personnel lied and said they look for it. (A passenger on the next flight found it sitting right on the seat in plain view. He FedEx'd it to him...Nice guy!) Miami was amazing, and HOT. We kind of felt like cattle on our way into the port to go through customs and the check in process was long to get onto the ship, but oh when we got there!!! Amazing! Between the drinks and food, and more drinks and a little more food and one more drink, we took off for our first stop in Samana, Dominican Republic. Then it was off to St. Thomas (my favorite), Tortola British Virgin Islands and finally Great Stirrup Cay, the cruise line's private island paradise.

It was on the island that my dream came true. Quite literally. See for years, 32 to be exact, I have been deathly afraid of water after a near drowning at 8 years old. I developed a mental block of the previous 3 years of learning to swim and loving it! I hated the water to come anywhere near my belly button...Oh, but something about the beautiful Caribbean ocean allayed those fears. For as long as I can remember I would have dreams about swimming under under water(I'm sure it means something)and seeing the fish and plankton. It would be so real. However there was no way I was going to do that in real life. Uh uh not me. But I did. I actually swam in the ocean and snorkeled. It was amazing and just like my dreams, but even better! It was so amazing to feel that sense of accomplishment, of doing something that I only could dream of.

I feel so empowered now. I feel like I can do anything, be anything (yep even at this old age!) Accomplish things that just seem so daunting. It was the trip of a lifetime up to this point. I plan on making other dreams come true too, so I will have to take more trips I guess!

The Count Down to Vacation!!

In 9 days my husband and I will go on our first cruise, that we decided to dub the "It's about time Honeymoon". This has been a long time coming. We got married young. We didn't have a honeymoon to speak. Unless you consider 2 days child free in our hot apartment a honeymoon...Not! So over the years we have gone to coast, Seattle, LA and other close by destinations but never for more than a few days, and most times we took the kids with us. Like the 3 week 12 states family vacation...Yeah. That is a blog entry for another time!

Between me being treated for cancer and having to have a stem cell transplant and the Mister having kidney failure, dialysis and eventually a kidney and pancreas transplant, we kind of haven't had time or resources to think about fun stuff like cruises and extended vacations. Throw in raising kids and owning my own business and well, I think you can get the picture.

So we saved for a year (thanks to our wonderful friends who really talked us into doing it). For some reason I wasn't real excited about going. What about work? I can't be gone from the office that long...Right? Wait yes I can. That is what I hired competent people for!! Slowly the idea started to grow on me. Now I am so excited I can barely contain it!

We will be gone for 11 days. 7 of those days will be on a cruise in the beautiful Caribbean. Blue ocean, white sandy beaches and warm sunshine. My friend and I decided we are wearing bathing suits everyday. Because we can. I have worried myself for the last decade about my body and my weight and what I don't want to wear because of how I will look...Ha! No more. I am not perfect. I am not skinny. I am healthy even if my body is not a little size. I am strong, and quite frankly if push came to shove I could out walk and exercise my skinny friends into the ground!!

Life is really too short to live regretting what should have been or what isn't. Live in the here and now and if anything learn from the past but don't dwell in it.

I plan on having the time of my life with the love of my life, not only just on this long awaited vacation, but everyday.

When the Cat is Away...

The mice get sick and can't do anything they planned!

This weekend I had grand plans. Paint the kitchen, stair well to the basement, hallway. Strip and refinish an antique dresser. Sew some pillow covers for the living room. Pull weeds. Oh the list went on and on. See, I figured I would do all these things while the Mr. and the Sons were out of town so no one would ask me why I was doing what I was doing and then offer to give me advice that I did not ask for nor planned to take into advisement. I envisioned them coming home, walking through the door and being COMPLETELY dazzled by what I had done. "Really? You painted that yourself?" and "Wow, you did an amazing job, I don't think I could have done a better job!". Instead it will be more like "Why did you move that little table that was by the door? Where am I supposed to put the keys now?". *sigh*

Instead of doing everything I had on my "Honey-do-if-you-don't-hurry-up-I-will-do-it-myself-or-pay-someone" List, I relaxed. I read. I moseyed around. I bought take out. I got my nails done. (OK, fixed really...another story for another day).I went to church (the highlight of my week I might add). I had lunch with my amazing friends and some awesome young people. I went to the fabric store (another highlight...)

I thought to myself that considering that I had spent the last 4 days sick as a dog to the point of not being to go to work for 2 days, that maybe what I needed was good old relaxation, reflection and reconnecting with those who I love. I visited with family and friends and was at peace with the fact that I got nothing done this weekend that I planned or would have ordinarily considered productive. It just works out that way sometimes.

So the Cat is coming back (and I am so glad I might add). I'm feeling better so I guess this was a perfect little get away for all of us. But next time the mice will play!

Who Knew?

My husband lost his aunt on Tuesday. My best friend lost her father on Sunday. Another dear friend lost his brother a little more than a week ago. I have experienced more loss of very close people in the last year than my whole life. As I move up in age, those around me do too. My friends are burying their parents. Some have had to bury their husband or wife. Even children are not spared. I know that my turn will come. What can I learn from these events? Is there anything to learn? Yes. For one, know Whose you are and don't spend eternity in the smoking section. God made provisions for everybody, not believing it does not make it not so. Have a will. Put money away for your burial. Make your final wishes known to those close to you. Live and Love without regrets.

Death. It's all around us. It does not ask for an invitation to this little intimate party we call life. It crashes in, snatches the host is off to find the next party to crash.

We will all have our party crashed. Some parties will have been going on for some time, others maybe just beginning, you know that time in the party when you finally get enough courage to go dance, or favorite song is finally played...you know that time when you finally say to yourself, "I'm glad I came".

It is my hope that when my party gets crashed, that I am remembered as the hostess with the mostess. Generous, caring, not worried about who's spilling what on the carpet.

What kind of party will death crash for you? Make it so fly that he will want to stay around and party for awhile.

What a Blessing....

Today my 2 1/2 granddaughter and I baked for the first time. We made chocolate chip cookies. She was amazing. She measured, poured, stirred and even scooped the dough onto the cookie sheet. It was messy. She sneezed, I'm pretty sure into the dough. One of the butterfly stickers that she had on her cheek fell into the flour. She ate the chocolate chips...and I busted her. I think I will remember this day the rest of my life.

There was a time when I didn't know if I would see my children graduate middle school. Now I am baking for the first time with my grandchild!! I mean really, what a blessing is that? I feel so incredibly favored right now.

I don't take it for granted though. I did absolutely nothing to deserve any of this. God sent his twins, Grace and Mercy, to me and that is why I am able to sit here healthy in mind, body and spirit and share this incredible moment with my grandchild.

I look so forward to many more moments. First sewing project, first knitting lesson. I look forward to creating memories and knowing that one day, at least it is my hope that Kamiyah will pass on the lessons that she has learned, just like I am passing them on to her from my grandmothers and she will say..."My grammy taught me how to do that".