Twenty three years ago I said "I do". It was a 97 degree day, the wedding was outside, my cousin couldn't get my husband's name right, the cake split in half because of the heat, and years later I would learn that most of my family placed bets that it would not last more than a couple of years since we were so young (18 & 23). HA! Showed them! Most people who didn't think WE would make it aren't even married anymore! Persistence. No guts no glory.
We have been through the fire. Heartache, illness, loss....we made it through though by the grace of God. We love and respect each other and take pride in our relationship. He has supported me and encouraged me to reach for the stars and fulfill my dreams. We cherish our family and have made it a priority to model a healthy loving relationship to our children and others. Of course we have had days, weeks, months when it seemed like we wouldn't make it, but when we counted the cost, we knew we could make it, we had to make it and honor our vows!
Twenty three years is a LONG time! We have no shelf life, its 23 years to forever. No going back, no trading in for a new model. I have to admit that I did not quite know what I was getting myself into back then, just kind of closed my eyes and held on for the ride! And what ride it has been! I couldn't ask for a more loving, kind, caring, strong, responsible husband, father and grandfather. He's the love of my life and is definitely one of a kind and irreplaceable. Here is to infinity!!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Where does the time go?
It has been 8 weeks since my last post. Let's see, I have perfected swimming with a kick board, had a 41st birthday, my husband was hospitalized-THREE TIMES... I don't know where to start!
I am still feeling how shall I say? Traumatized? Sure. Great word. Just days after my last post, my husband was hospitalized to be treated for acute rejection of his transplanted organs. It was supposed to be cut and dry, in and out, thank you very much. Unfortunately it did not turn out that way. What should have been 3 days turned into almost 14. 1 blood clot, 6 days in ICU and a failed graft pancreas later he got to come home, only to be readmitted 1 day later. 3 days, $200 in meals from the hospital cafe, and more insulin changes he came back home. Life changed. He is now a diabetic again.
You would think that I had NOT lived with the disease for 17 years before the transplant. This has been really difficult for me to accept. Now, I have to say, I did know this was a possibility when he received the transplant. I fully understood the risks. But oh the freedom of being free of living life around diabetes! The spontaneaity of it all! For the last 19 years of our lives, one of us has been ill. his diabetes, my cancer. After his transplant two years ago, it was the first time in so long I don't remember what it was like before, we were just able to BE. No checking blood sugars. No dialysis. Ok, so there were pills, but we can do pills!! I guess the point is that we felt normal.
So here we are, back to what we know. Checking blood sugars, planning meals. Being careful. I am trying to adjust to being a 'diabetic' wife again. One bright spot is the fact that my husband is a trooper. He is like the energizer bunny, takes a licking and keeps on ticking. That makes it so much easier to deal with because I am not taking on having to care for him like he's incapacitated. He's my hero, and he prooves that he's Superman everyday.
I am still feeling how shall I say? Traumatized? Sure. Great word. Just days after my last post, my husband was hospitalized to be treated for acute rejection of his transplanted organs. It was supposed to be cut and dry, in and out, thank you very much. Unfortunately it did not turn out that way. What should have been 3 days turned into almost 14. 1 blood clot, 6 days in ICU and a failed graft pancreas later he got to come home, only to be readmitted 1 day later. 3 days, $200 in meals from the hospital cafe, and more insulin changes he came back home. Life changed. He is now a diabetic again.
You would think that I had NOT lived with the disease for 17 years before the transplant. This has been really difficult for me to accept. Now, I have to say, I did know this was a possibility when he received the transplant. I fully understood the risks. But oh the freedom of being free of living life around diabetes! The spontaneaity of it all! For the last 19 years of our lives, one of us has been ill. his diabetes, my cancer. After his transplant two years ago, it was the first time in so long I don't remember what it was like before, we were just able to BE. No checking blood sugars. No dialysis. Ok, so there were pills, but we can do pills!! I guess the point is that we felt normal.
So here we are, back to what we know. Checking blood sugars, planning meals. Being careful. I am trying to adjust to being a 'diabetic' wife again. One bright spot is the fact that my husband is a trooper. He is like the energizer bunny, takes a licking and keeps on ticking. That makes it so much easier to deal with because I am not taking on having to care for him like he's incapacitated. He's my hero, and he prooves that he's Superman everyday.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Happy Birthday!
It's hard for me to believe, but 24 years ago at 11:26pm, I gave birth to my first child. I was so young and clueless. I look back and wonder how I did it. I really had no idea what parenthood had in store for me. I am glad I chose life though. The easy thing at the time would have been to not have him. But, I did and I don't regret a thing. He has given me joy, a granddaughter and a sweet beautiful daughter in law.
I still remember the pain of childbirth. There are somethings I think one just never forgets. But the joy of seeing his life unfold before me overshadows that breif pain and I would do it a thousand times over for my first born son.
I still remember the pain of childbirth. There are somethings I think one just never forgets. But the joy of seeing his life unfold before me overshadows that breif pain and I would do it a thousand times over for my first born son.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I can do this! Right??
Today was the first swim lesson I have had in 32 years. The last time I took a lesson, (and those from Portland will know what I'm talking about...), Dishman pool was called Knott Street, the pool was outside, and there was a wickedly high diving board. I like to refer to it as the board of death, as it was that board that the Wicked Intstructor I had got very impatient with me taking too long to jump.
I remember loving to swim. I started when I was 7 years old and couldn't wait to go to lessons or open play. For almost 2 years I climbed the ranks from Goldfish to Shark (ok, could have been a different name, but I was up there!)So proud of my certificates gradutating me to the next level. I had no fear. I remember what it was like to feel fluid with the water. I remember the pressure of the water on my body, and the full feeling in my ears and head when I was fully submerged. It was awesome. I was a mermaid. I loved it. Then the Wicked Instructor, who I think ate small children for lunch, was having a bad day and just couldn't wait for me to be ready to make the plunge into the deep end (Yes, that would be 12 feet). She yanked the pole and I fell into the water, completed unprepared. I remember the searing, stinging pain in my nose, throat, eyes and chest as I tried to make my way to the surface. It was the first time I felt fear in the water.
That fear has held on to me and I to it every since that day. I never played in the water with my children. I made sure that they learned to swim and were comfortable in the water because I knew I wasn't going to be able to save them if they got in trouble. I felt comfortable in water aerobics, in the shallow side of course. As long as the water did not come past my chin I was fine.
Flash waaaay forward. Here I am, 40 years old and still terrified of relaxing in the water. Despite the fact that while on vacation I treaded water in the ocean, snorkeled and even floated on my back...I can't use a kickboard in the pool...Go figure! I still have dreams from time to time of swimming, feeling no fear, feeling completely natural in the water.
I am back in the same pool. It's now called Dishman community center. It's now indoors and the wickedly high dive board is gone. There is only one know, and it looks manageable. I want to feel that confidence I felt back when I was 8 years old. Diving for rings at the bottom of the pool. Backstroking. Butterflys. I want to feel no fear once again in the pool. I know I can do it. I have to trust myself and trust the water. I have to work with it, not against it. I want to be a mermaid again!! Yes, I CAN do this!!
I remember loving to swim. I started when I was 7 years old and couldn't wait to go to lessons or open play. For almost 2 years I climbed the ranks from Goldfish to Shark (ok, could have been a different name, but I was up there!)So proud of my certificates gradutating me to the next level. I had no fear. I remember what it was like to feel fluid with the water. I remember the pressure of the water on my body, and the full feeling in my ears and head when I was fully submerged. It was awesome. I was a mermaid. I loved it. Then the Wicked Instructor, who I think ate small children for lunch, was having a bad day and just couldn't wait for me to be ready to make the plunge into the deep end (Yes, that would be 12 feet). She yanked the pole and I fell into the water, completed unprepared. I remember the searing, stinging pain in my nose, throat, eyes and chest as I tried to make my way to the surface. It was the first time I felt fear in the water.
That fear has held on to me and I to it every since that day. I never played in the water with my children. I made sure that they learned to swim and were comfortable in the water because I knew I wasn't going to be able to save them if they got in trouble. I felt comfortable in water aerobics, in the shallow side of course. As long as the water did not come past my chin I was fine.
Flash waaaay forward. Here I am, 40 years old and still terrified of relaxing in the water. Despite the fact that while on vacation I treaded water in the ocean, snorkeled and even floated on my back...I can't use a kickboard in the pool...Go figure! I still have dreams from time to time of swimming, feeling no fear, feeling completely natural in the water.
I am back in the same pool. It's now called Dishman community center. It's now indoors and the wickedly high dive board is gone. There is only one know, and it looks manageable. I want to feel that confidence I felt back when I was 8 years old. Diving for rings at the bottom of the pool. Backstroking. Butterflys. I want to feel no fear once again in the pool. I know I can do it. I have to trust myself and trust the water. I have to work with it, not against it. I want to be a mermaid again!! Yes, I CAN do this!!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
An Easter Reflection
Here we are at the highest of Holy days in the Christian Church. It's Easter, full of bunnies who lay multicolored chocolate eggs, rabbits who bring kids yummy treats and toys in the middle of the night...New outfits for Sunday service....Family dinners, Easter sales...Awww, the joys!
As I reflect on this day though, it has nothing to do with any of that. It doesn't even have to do with 'church'. This morning I attended a short, simple yet powerful sunrise service. It was dark, the only light being from the glow of the electric piano display, the powerstip lights and the street lights filtering in from outside. It was solemn, as everyone contemplated the events that lead to Christ's victory from the grave. We sat in silence until the sun came up, and were then dismissed in peace to come back later and rejoice in the good news of the Resurrection.
For me, I thought of the Gift. The Gift of Salvation that was given to all, whether it is claimed or not, its there. I am not religous, I am spirtual. That will go a lot farther than religion anyday. Some who read this may be shocked by that. I get it. Religion is doing and following something. I religously come home on Monday nights and watch 24. I religously hit my snooze bar in the morning no matter what time its set for. Spirtualuality is walking with God, its learning to live through the spirit of God. Its about freedom. Its about love and service to fellow mankind. Its about leaving judgment to God and just loving people where they are because He created them in His image.
I will never waiver from my faith in God. Take away all the churches in the world, and those who truly, truly have faith, those whose spirtuality is not rooted in a building, whose faith is not tied to a human or some formula of doing things. Those would be ok. Their faith is not wrapped up and entagled into a church, denomination or religion. He is in the heart, but he is also in the world around us. Speaking to us in the majesty of the Mountains, in the crash of the waves of the ocean. In the stillness of forest. In the beauty of the flowers. Wispering in the wind. He is everywhere. Displayed in the diversity of mankind. Four walls can't contain that. No one can own that. Its for all.
There have been many events in my life and the lives of those close to me that meet the qualification for me to doubt if God exists, or even cares about us. But because I am still standing, still able to trust even in the midst of pain, disappointment, confusion, grief, tragedy it is because of Faith, when I have no answers to the madness and nonsense I can at least strive for attainable peace. That is a guarantee.
So on this Easter, reflect on the Gift of ultimate sacrafice made for mankind, regardless of ones belief (not believing does not make it not so), religion, etc., figure out how to make your corner of the world a better place by loving not only yourself, but mankind and of course claiming your Gift.
As I reflect on this day though, it has nothing to do with any of that. It doesn't even have to do with 'church'. This morning I attended a short, simple yet powerful sunrise service. It was dark, the only light being from the glow of the electric piano display, the powerstip lights and the street lights filtering in from outside. It was solemn, as everyone contemplated the events that lead to Christ's victory from the grave. We sat in silence until the sun came up, and were then dismissed in peace to come back later and rejoice in the good news of the Resurrection.
For me, I thought of the Gift. The Gift of Salvation that was given to all, whether it is claimed or not, its there. I am not religous, I am spirtual. That will go a lot farther than religion anyday. Some who read this may be shocked by that. I get it. Religion is doing and following something. I religously come home on Monday nights and watch 24. I religously hit my snooze bar in the morning no matter what time its set for. Spirtualuality is walking with God, its learning to live through the spirit of God. Its about freedom. Its about love and service to fellow mankind. Its about leaving judgment to God and just loving people where they are because He created them in His image.
I will never waiver from my faith in God. Take away all the churches in the world, and those who truly, truly have faith, those whose spirtuality is not rooted in a building, whose faith is not tied to a human or some formula of doing things. Those would be ok. Their faith is not wrapped up and entagled into a church, denomination or religion. He is in the heart, but he is also in the world around us. Speaking to us in the majesty of the Mountains, in the crash of the waves of the ocean. In the stillness of forest. In the beauty of the flowers. Wispering in the wind. He is everywhere. Displayed in the diversity of mankind. Four walls can't contain that. No one can own that. Its for all.
There have been many events in my life and the lives of those close to me that meet the qualification for me to doubt if God exists, or even cares about us. But because I am still standing, still able to trust even in the midst of pain, disappointment, confusion, grief, tragedy it is because of Faith, when I have no answers to the madness and nonsense I can at least strive for attainable peace. That is a guarantee.
So on this Easter, reflect on the Gift of ultimate sacrafice made for mankind, regardless of ones belief (not believing does not make it not so), religion, etc., figure out how to make your corner of the world a better place by loving not only yourself, but mankind and of course claiming your Gift.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada
Okay, that title has nothing to do with what is on my mind...or maybe it does, aaah, I don't know.
I really have to get better at blogging what's on my mind when it comes to my mind. What always happens is I don't get it down and then I loose it but know that I had something I wanted to share but for the life of me can't remember what it is. Figures. The story of my life sometimes.
So in a few weeks my first born child will be 24 years old. 24. That's like almost 25, which is a quarter of a century! That my friends, is freaking amazing to me. Ok, for one I don't feel my age ( ok, maybe some mornings I do, or when I go hang out with my crew and don't get enough rest the next day!)...I mean I am 40, almost 41 ( for all you who are trying to do the math right now, yes, I was 16 when I gave birth) I really usually feel like I am in some crazy time warp trying to figure what the hell just happened...What do mean I've been married 22 years??? Kids? Grown? Married? Grandchildren?? I'm still trying to figure out how to be a grown up! Amazing that I managed to stay married to the same man all these years, have a career and raise two self suffiecient, responsible, civic minded men. Wow. I did that. Me!!!
But the reality is, life is happening man! It's happening right before my eyes. While I am relatively content with my little world, I know there are places I want to go, things I want to experience... I have the freedome to do somethings, within reason for a married woman, I mean I probably won't be backpacking across Europe by myself, or spending 40 days in seclusion at a Tibetian Monastary, since I have others to take into consideration. But there is a whole world of living yet to be lived out there! I keep hearing that 40 is the new 25, however I have no desire to relive 25! That would mean kids and responsibility for me. No, 40 is the new 40 for me. I feel good, look good and will have fun figuring out how to be that 40+ year old grown up, with the Husband in tow, kicking and screaming!
I really have to get better at blogging what's on my mind when it comes to my mind. What always happens is I don't get it down and then I loose it but know that I had something I wanted to share but for the life of me can't remember what it is. Figures. The story of my life sometimes.
So in a few weeks my first born child will be 24 years old. 24. That's like almost 25, which is a quarter of a century! That my friends, is freaking amazing to me. Ok, for one I don't feel my age ( ok, maybe some mornings I do, or when I go hang out with my crew and don't get enough rest the next day!)...I mean I am 40, almost 41 ( for all you who are trying to do the math right now, yes, I was 16 when I gave birth) I really usually feel like I am in some crazy time warp trying to figure what the hell just happened...What do mean I've been married 22 years??? Kids? Grown? Married? Grandchildren?? I'm still trying to figure out how to be a grown up! Amazing that I managed to stay married to the same man all these years, have a career and raise two self suffiecient, responsible, civic minded men. Wow. I did that. Me!!!
But the reality is, life is happening man! It's happening right before my eyes. While I am relatively content with my little world, I know there are places I want to go, things I want to experience... I have the freedome to do somethings, within reason for a married woman, I mean I probably won't be backpacking across Europe by myself, or spending 40 days in seclusion at a Tibetian Monastary, since I have others to take into consideration. But there is a whole world of living yet to be lived out there! I keep hearing that 40 is the new 25, however I have no desire to relive 25! That would mean kids and responsibility for me. No, 40 is the new 40 for me. I feel good, look good and will have fun figuring out how to be that 40+ year old grown up, with the Husband in tow, kicking and screaming!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Count Down...
So for some reason lately, turning 41 has been on my mind. Alot. I don't know why. I am not one to have regrets about things but I feel like I missed something? Can't quite put my finger on it.
I am excited about my next birthday. I feel so blessed to have the life that I do. It's amazing. It could have gone another direction not necessarily for the good. I have what many women are still searching or waiting for. I did nothing to deserve it, yet here I am.
I look forward to the next 41+ years.
I am excited about my next birthday. I feel so blessed to have the life that I do. It's amazing. It could have gone another direction not necessarily for the good. I have what many women are still searching or waiting for. I did nothing to deserve it, yet here I am.
I look forward to the next 41+ years.
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