Never too late, never too old

2018 brings me one year closer to 50. Middle age. What? Me???   WOW...there was a time when I thought OMG 35 is going to be like so old! Then 35 came and I was thinking, hmmm, not so bad.  Now here I am sliding into a half century (that sounds kind of cool) and feeling young and full of life!  I realized that age is a state of mind.  Let's not confuse it with maturity.  There are a lot of people who are 'of a certain age' who behave like small children.  I am a mature woman.  I am confident and unapologetic about it. That doesn't mean that I don't have some insecurities, it just means that I accept them, and embrace that I am not perfect, will never be.  There will always be someone smarter, prettier, etc.  That is ok!  I am who I am.  I have lived a bit...been through some things, birthed and raised children, survived cancer (twice!) been married a LONG time.  I have put in some time.  I think I have some cred now.

A few months ago I came to the realization that I was putting limits on myself because I thought of myself as getting 'old'.  But something inside of me just did not accept that narrative.  I have no problem with aging.  I am going to get wrinkles and gray hair at some point (good genes have held them at bay for the time being).  My mind will say YES you can do it and my body will say OH NO you won't.  But I don't want to put limits on myself.  Will my body say no because it's not strong enough?  Then I have to work on making it strong.  There is nothing unachievable. 

I had the pleasure of spending the evening with an amazing group of young people.  Their energy was so inspiring.  I learned so much! That is another reason I don't want to put limits on myself because of age; I don't want to have all the answers, I want to learn from and connect with others as well as share my life experience and knowledge.  We are all in this thing called life together.  I want to squeeze every bit of goodness out of and share it with others.

Happy New Year 2018! Climbing Victory Mountain...Part 2

Pacific City, Oregon Cape Kiwanda State Natural Park Sand Dune

What a way to start the New Year!  I spent the day at Cape Kiwanda in Pacific City climbing the sand dune my friends and I have affectionately named "Victory Mountain" (AKA the Sand wall of death...).  The first time I did it was almost 7 years ago.  Somehow I let my fearless friend talk me into it...again; at least we didn't get a vehicle stuck in the sand!  What was different this time was that I didn't have my love climbing with me looking back telling me to walk where he already made steps.  Telling me I can do it, that there wasn't much more to go-rather he had to sit in a chair at the bottom of the dune because he was too weak to make the climb.

A few thoughts that I had as I tackled that dune.  First, it was HARD! people were strolling by like nothing...there was a toddler passing me by for goodness sake!  Ms. Fearless and her daughter were way ahead, encouraging me on telling me to look for the footsteps that were already there.  I just wanted to turn around and go back.  I was thinking, this was fun, I tried, it's too hard I'm uncomfortable and I don't want to do it anymore.  Kind of like 2017.  Yes, there was some fun times here and there, but I spent a good portion of it telling myself that I just can't do 'it' anymore.  I am tired, I am uncomfortable and I just don't want to do 'this' anymore. It's been 2 years since my last new year post.  It was such a time of sadness and brokenness.  I would love to say things got better but sadly, no.  Oh sure, wonderful things have happened, there have been bright spots, but there are parts of my heart, my mind, my soul that remain broken in pieces that I don't know will ever mend to the place they were. 

I had to keep stopping (because I was sure I would go into cardiac arrest at any moment...).  There was a small log and I told myself that if I just get to it, I can rest then head back down, but that was not the top and the top was not far at all.  That is when people started telling me I can do it, that it wasn't that far, to take my time, no need to rush.  This is just like my real life!  I have had complete strangers in addition to those who know me speak love, life, and encouragement to me.  This little band of people literally stood at the top and told me they were waiting for me to get up there and describing the beautiful view that awaited.  It took me awhile, but I made it, they had fist bumps, high fives, and cheers as I took that last step and saw the beauty awaiting me. Sometimes the thing that gets you over is someone to tell you CAN do it.  

Top of the Sand Dune

The last few years, to be quite honest have been very, very difficult.  As I walked up that dune I thought, if I made it through 2017, surely I can make it to the top, and when I got to the top I thought that if I made it to the top, surely I will make it through 2018.  It was bittersweet to get there.  I wanted my husband to be there to share that moment with me to see the beautiful view. As I struggled to keep my eyes from sweating (from all that exertion) I realized that sometimes though you have to go it alone knowing that there are those who will come along and give you the encouragement you need to keep going.  That is what I will do, I will keep going, keep loving, keep living in 2018!