2018 brings me one year closer to 50. Middle age. What? Me??? WOW...there was a time when I thought OMG 35 is going to be like so old! Then 35 came and I was thinking, hmmm, not so bad. Now here I am sliding into a half century (that sounds kind of cool) and feeling young and full of life! I realized that age is a state of mind. Let's not confuse it with maturity. There are a lot of people who are 'of a certain age' who behave like small children. I am a mature woman. I am confident and unapologetic about it. That doesn't mean that I don't have some insecurities, it just means that I accept them, and embrace that I am not perfect, will never be. There will always be someone smarter, prettier, etc. That is ok! I am who I am. I have lived a bit...been through some things, birthed and raised children, survived cancer (twice!) been married a LONG time. I have put in some time. I think I have some cred now.
A few months ago I came to the realization that I was putting limits on myself because I thought of myself as getting 'old'. But something inside of me just did not accept that narrative. I have no problem with aging. I am going to get wrinkles and gray hair at some point (good genes have held them at bay for the time being). My mind will say YES you can do it and my body will say OH NO you won't. But I don't want to put limits on myself. Will my body say no because it's not strong enough? Then I have to work on making it strong. There is nothing unachievable.
I had the pleasure of spending the evening with an amazing group of young people. Their energy was so inspiring. I learned so much! That is another reason I don't want to put limits on myself because of age; I don't want to have all the answers, I want to learn from and connect with others as well as share my life experience and knowledge. We are all in this thing called life together. I want to squeeze every bit of goodness out of and share it with others.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Monday, January 1, 2018
Happy New Year 2018! Climbing Victory Mountain...Part 2
 |
| Pacific City, Oregon Cape Kiwanda State Natural Park Sand Dune |
What a way to start the New Year! I spent the day at Cape Kiwanda in Pacific City climbing the sand dune my friends and I have affectionately named "Victory Mountain" (AKA the Sand wall of death...). The first time I did it was almost 7 years ago. Somehow I let my fearless friend talk me into it...again; at least we didn't get a vehicle stuck in the sand! What was different this time was that I didn't have my love climbing with me looking back telling me to walk where he already made steps. Telling me I can do it, that there wasn't much more to go-rather he had to sit in a chair at the bottom of the dune because he was too weak to make the climb.
A few thoughts that I had as I tackled that dune. First, it was HARD! people were strolling by like nothing...there was a toddler passing me by for goodness sake! Ms. Fearless and her daughter were way ahead, encouraging me on telling me to look for the footsteps that were already there. I just wanted to turn around and go back. I was thinking, this was fun, I tried, it's too hard I'm uncomfortable and I don't want to do it anymore. Kind of like 2017. Yes, there was some fun times here and there, but I spent a good portion of it telling myself that I just can't do 'it' anymore. I am tired, I am uncomfortable and I just don't want to do 'this' anymore. It's been 2 years since my last new year post. It was such a time of sadness and brokenness. I would love to say things got better but sadly, no. Oh sure, wonderful things have happened, there have been bright spots, but there are parts of my heart, my mind, my soul that remain broken in pieces that I don't know will ever mend to the place they were.
I had to keep stopping (because I was sure I would go into cardiac arrest at any moment...). There was a small log and I told myself that if I just get to it, I can rest then head back down, but that was not the top and the top was not far at all. That is when people started telling me I can do it, that it wasn't that far, to take my time, no need to rush. This is just like my real life! I have had complete strangers in addition to those who know me speak love, life, and encouragement to me. This little band of people literally stood at the top and told me they were waiting for me to get up there and describing the beautiful view that awaited. It took me awhile, but I made it, they had fist bumps, high fives, and cheers as I took that last step and saw the beauty awaiting me. Sometimes the thing that gets you over is someone to tell you CAN do it.
 |
| Top of the Sand Dune |
The last few years, to be quite honest have been very, very difficult. As I walked up that dune I thought, if I made it through 2017, surely I can make it to the top, and when I got to the top I thought that if I made it to the top, surely I will make it through 2018. It was bittersweet to get there. I wanted my husband to be there to share that moment with me to see the beautiful view. As I struggled to keep my eyes from sweating (from all that exertion) I realized that sometimes though you have to go it alone knowing that there are those who will come along and give you the encouragement you need to keep going. That is what I will do, I will keep going, keep loving, keep living in 2018!
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
New Year
It has been a long time since my last post. I went on a hiatus of sorts...so many things have happened since then. My world changed in 2014. By the time 2015 rolled around, I was so relieved with the expectation of new beginnings, preparing for graduation...but I met 2015 with challenges that I frankly did not think I would survive. My husband retired from his job with a medical disability and husband was hospitalized multiple times. My mental health was in distress and it became necessary to take a leave of absence from work. Every turn it seemed there was something breaking my spirit into pieces. Sure there were rays of light here and there in 2015...my college graduation, my niece going off to college, beginning a new job; but there were the absolute heartbreaks-the deaths of friends and family members, notably my father in law. The grief and sadness just does not let up! My daughter in law lost her mother. Then a week later her sister's father died. The love of my life, my rock, my everything, is fighting for his life. I am trying to be optimistic about 2016. I have a new focus on health and wellness for myself, and know that whatever comes my way I have the tools to deal with what comes along.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Another Perfectly imperfect Thanksgiving
I am a bit late on my Thanksgiving post. My plan was to host dinner at our home. My in-law's are in town, and though my husband had been in the hospital I was sure I could pull it off. Not quite.
As much as my mind was convinced I could pull it off, the reality was that my husband was sick and starting dialysis, I was working very long hours and just didn't have the bandwidth that I imagined.
My Superwoman mother stepped in and saved the day. She hosted, and all I needed to do was prepare a few dishes--small ones just for my husband because he is on a special diet, and for my mother in law because she has some food allergies....Simple right?
The night before Thanksgiving turned into a sleep over with my son and three grandchildren. We were up until the wee hours of the morning, laughing, playing games, talking. My other son came over and wanted me to make him a crust for his now famous peach cobbler..only to find out that I didn't make enough. I decided at the last minute to make a cake. Oh, the mashed potatoes! Yeah. time ran out. Couldn't do it. So there I was, what was supposed to be so simple turned into something not so simple.
Guess what, it was everything it was supposed to be. The grand babies were running all over the place. The house was abuzz with life and laughter and yes, chaos. But most of all? It was filled with love. Having my sons as my side, one tending to his own children, the other baking side by side with me. I would not trade the warmth of those memories for anything. So while it felt like I cooked a full dinner and I was rushed and feeling a little bit pressured as time was ticking by and I still needed to get dressed and get to my mother's house, it was worth every chaotic moment!
As much as my mind was convinced I could pull it off, the reality was that my husband was sick and starting dialysis, I was working very long hours and just didn't have the bandwidth that I imagined.
My Superwoman mother stepped in and saved the day. She hosted, and all I needed to do was prepare a few dishes--small ones just for my husband because he is on a special diet, and for my mother in law because she has some food allergies....Simple right?
The night before Thanksgiving turned into a sleep over with my son and three grandchildren. We were up until the wee hours of the morning, laughing, playing games, talking. My other son came over and wanted me to make him a crust for his now famous peach cobbler..only to find out that I didn't make enough. I decided at the last minute to make a cake. Oh, the mashed potatoes! Yeah. time ran out. Couldn't do it. So there I was, what was supposed to be so simple turned into something not so simple.
Guess what, it was everything it was supposed to be. The grand babies were running all over the place. The house was abuzz with life and laughter and yes, chaos. But most of all? It was filled with love. Having my sons as my side, one tending to his own children, the other baking side by side with me. I would not trade the warmth of those memories for anything. So while it felt like I cooked a full dinner and I was rushed and feeling a little bit pressured as time was ticking by and I still needed to get dressed and get to my mother's house, it was worth every chaotic moment!
A long time coming....back
March 12, 2014 I shut down. My beloved Uncle Bobby (Rev. Robert Probasco Sr.) died that day. It was not a surprise, I knew it was coming, yet when it happened it was devastating. He suffered so much the last months of his life and it was so hard to watch. He was my trusted Pastor for over thirty years. He was so instrumental in my life from childhood to adult, marriage, motherhood, spiritual development. To lose him...I still find it hard to describe the absence of him in our lives. So on that day I shut down. Yes I still attended church, went to work, went about daily life, but I was numb inside. So many changes and transitions. Adjustments to a new pastor, my best friend moving, professional challenges, personal issues, I just went through the motions to survive. But I'm back. I am ready for 2015 and am thankful for the tough times that have endured, because it has made me stronger!
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Destined
Today was one of the most beautiful days of my life. Today, with my very best friends, we were consecrated as deaconesses to do the work of God. Not to preach the Word, but to work behind the scenes, to do the things other either don't want to or can't. Sit with the dying, pray for the sick, comfort those in need...the messy things in life.
What made it so poignant is that our Pastor, (who happens to be my BFF's father, and other BFF's uncle), on his dying bed, performed the consecration. I don't ever want to forget the power in his voice when he spoke to us and encouraged us...for over twenty five minutes; this when he has barely had energy for more than a few words.
I just had to put it in writing. My heart is full. I really don't have words. Today may be the last time I see him on this side. I will see him again Glory. But it is well with my heart and soul. I will honor his memory by being faithful to God and carrying on the work started long, long ago.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Another Perfect Thanksgiving
It's been a couple of years since I have written about Thanksgiving. All the other posts are under the Thanksgiving tag. I am really that tired right now that I am not going to put in the hyperlinks! I digress. I didn't have to host dinner, I just had to make a side dish and grandma's apple cake. How easy is that? Seriously, it was awesome...I feel a new tradition coming on. My mother hosted dinner, and it was fabulous. It's always fun to spend time with my siblings.
Today was a beautiful day. The sun was out, the sky was so blue! It's the end of November and the weather has been amazing. I had a nice run, called friends and relatives and enjoyed having a day off. I think this is the closest to doing nothing I have had on a holiday. I had an opportunity to reflect on all the things I am thankful for: My husband, sons, daughter-in-law, grandchildren, family and friends. I am gainfully and happily employed and have adequate food and shelter. We may not have the newest baubles and trinkets, but we have love. I am wealthy beyond measure not monetarily, but in the intangible ways that matter. My life is far from perfect but I honestly couldn't ask for better and for that, I am thankful!
Today was a beautiful day. The sun was out, the sky was so blue! It's the end of November and the weather has been amazing. I had a nice run, called friends and relatives and enjoyed having a day off. I think this is the closest to doing nothing I have had on a holiday. I had an opportunity to reflect on all the things I am thankful for: My husband, sons, daughter-in-law, grandchildren, family and friends. I am gainfully and happily employed and have adequate food and shelter. We may not have the newest baubles and trinkets, but we have love. I am wealthy beyond measure not monetarily, but in the intangible ways that matter. My life is far from perfect but I honestly couldn't ask for better and for that, I am thankful!
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
In December 2011, I met an incredible person. At the time, I didn't know they were particularly phenomenal, and I had no idea that they would touch my life and have such a profound impact on me.
This person was Sam Gordon. Sam was a Physician Assistant at my clinic. Right away he was amazing with the patients and staff...he ALWAYS had a smile on his face, kinds words and easy going demeanor. He even followed a patient home to make sure they arrived safely when they had to take the clinic's oxygen tank because they ran out. He didn't even think twice. He just did it. He was so...( I just can't find words!)...he was just so compassionate and kind and caring. It was as if he had always been a part of our clinic...He was someone you just felt you had known forever.
On May 28th, 2012, Sam died at home in his sleep. I have dealt with some really devastating losses in the last five years, but Sam? It devastated our clinic. He touched each person's life in the short eight weeks that he was there. Like I said, it was as if he had always been a part of our clinic family.
The memorial for Sam was so beautiful. His family loved him so much, and it was so apparent that he loved them with a love that was bigger life. It was one of the most touching, meaningful yet heartbreaking that I have ever attended. Though I only knew him for a very short time, he touch my life and those around him in a way that I don't think we will ever be the same.
Tell the people around you that you love them. Don't sweat the small stuff. Live with abandon, yet gently.
R.I.P. Samuel Lyman Gordon. My life is richer for having known you.
This person was Sam Gordon. Sam was a Physician Assistant at my clinic. Right away he was amazing with the patients and staff...he ALWAYS had a smile on his face, kinds words and easy going demeanor. He even followed a patient home to make sure they arrived safely when they had to take the clinic's oxygen tank because they ran out. He didn't even think twice. He just did it. He was so...( I just can't find words!)...he was just so compassionate and kind and caring. It was as if he had always been a part of our clinic...He was someone you just felt you had known forever.
On May 28th, 2012, Sam died at home in his sleep. I have dealt with some really devastating losses in the last five years, but Sam? It devastated our clinic. He touched each person's life in the short eight weeks that he was there. Like I said, it was as if he had always been a part of our clinic family.
The memorial for Sam was so beautiful. His family loved him so much, and it was so apparent that he loved them with a love that was bigger life. It was one of the most touching, meaningful yet heartbreaking that I have ever attended. Though I only knew him for a very short time, he touch my life and those around him in a way that I don't think we will ever be the same.
Tell the people around you that you love them. Don't sweat the small stuff. Live with abandon, yet gently.
R.I.P. Samuel Lyman Gordon. My life is richer for having known you.
It's Been A Looong time!
I can't believe it has been so long since I blogged. I have a journal that is filled with 16 months of blog entries...I will say that 2012 was one of the most challenging for me personally and professionally. I experienced loss, and disappointment that I just never imagined.
One of the bright spots besides the the birth of a grandson and going back to school, was that I started running again after a 21 years. I participated in the Heart to Start Couch to 5K. I didn't think I could do it, and then there I was crossing the finish line at the Shamrock Run, and yet again two months later at the Run Like a Mother 5K. It was awesome. The highlight of all of that was appearing on AMNW with Dr. James Beckerman in January. It was great to go on there and hopefully inspire others to get out and get moving.
I don't want to rehash all of the craziness that was 2012 and even the first half of 2013. I learned a lot about myself, my ability to handle stress, and the limitations of a body that is is under stress. Needless to say, I don't want to encounter anything like that again.
Here is to the future. To many blog entries and thoughtful observations of this wonderful life!
One of the bright spots besides the the birth of a grandson and going back to school, was that I started running again after a 21 years. I participated in the Heart to Start Couch to 5K. I didn't think I could do it, and then there I was crossing the finish line at the Shamrock Run, and yet again two months later at the Run Like a Mother 5K. It was awesome. The highlight of all of that was appearing on AMNW with Dr. James Beckerman in January. It was great to go on there and hopefully inspire others to get out and get moving.
I don't want to rehash all of the craziness that was 2012 and even the first half of 2013. I learned a lot about myself, my ability to handle stress, and the limitations of a body that is is under stress. Needless to say, I don't want to encounter anything like that again.
Here is to the future. To many blog entries and thoughtful observations of this wonderful life!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Bicyle, Bicycle, Bicycle, I Want to Ride My Bicycle...
Yesterday my five year old granddaughter learned to ride her bicycle without training wheels. My son sent me a video of her just tooling around their driveway. It was amazing. She was so excited, the look of pure joy and pride was priceless.
It made me think back to when I first learned to ride a bike. It was my older cousin's bicycle and a little too big. I was actually about nine years old when I learned...The bike must have been giant, because I was about the same height I am now back then. It was a red Schwinn with a banana seat. This is before helmets and other protective gear were required...we just hopped on the bikes and rode--down hill--with no brakes... No one warned me about speed and velocity and wind. Incline, decline? Huh? My dad put me on the bike, told me to balance, held the back of the bike (with a cigarette in the other hand I am sure) and ran along side to get me started, then the next thing I knew I was in the Easter basket shaped laurel bush at the end of the block. I wasn't hurt, I got back on the bike and did it again, and got to be quite the good rider of bicyclces. I expect that the Grand baby will do the same thing. She ran right into a tree today, fell down multiple times, quite gracefully I might add (I'm thinking the ice skating lessons really paid off. She learned how to 'fall' well) We are working on that steering piece. I did make sure she had her helmet on, and trust me, as soon as I get a chance, she will sport knee and elbow pads. I explained declines, inclines and why they are not hills. We discussed the wind too...Thank goodness she's a smart kid. She got it.
Her learning to ride and my reminiscing about the same, got me thinking about how sometimes life is like learning to ride a bike. Sometimes someone has to hold your hand, talking to you and getting you started. After awhile, you don't even realize that they aren't holding it anymore, you just take off and go, turn around to look and say "Look! I'm doing it!"...only to run into a tree. It's okay, though. You get up, dust off and try it again.
The pride and joy of knowing that you have learned or overcome something and the confidence and tenacity to get back up and try, try again is priceles and I am convinced that the earlier one learns that the better off the will be.
Her learning to ride and my reminiscing about the same, got me thinking about how sometimes life is like learning to ride a bike. Sometimes someone has to hold your hand, talking to you and getting you started. After awhile, you don't even realize that they aren't holding it anymore, you just take off and go, turn around to look and say "Look! I'm doing it!"...only to run into a tree. It's okay, though. You get up, dust off and try it again.
The pride and joy of knowing that you have learned or overcome something and the confidence and tenacity to get back up and try, try again is priceles and I am convinced that the earlier one learns that the better off the will be.
Facebook and Twitter and Blogs--Oh My!
 |
| google images. nines.livejournal.com |
I don't know why I got on Facebook (side note here. Facebook is a verb. I can't tell you how many times I have been asked if I 'Facebook'...really? Is it some sport now? Just one of those random thoughts I have). It has been about 4 years now since I created an account. Practically my whole family is on there. I do have to admit that it helps stay in touch with the relatives that live out of state and left them know what's going on with the family. I don't however feel compelled to let the fb world know every time I take a breath though. "Just took a breath"!..."Wow breathing is so overrated"!...."OMG, Someone is trying to take my breath"!...OK, I am totally being sarcastic but really I swear it amazes the things that people post! Who cares that you are on your way to the store!! Late for work? Uh, get off that mobile device and maybe you'd make it on time!!!
OK, this post is turning into a rant and was not my intention. My intention was to...Um...to...uh...Oh right, to talk about my spiral into all this social networking. I am thinking it is just another way to feed my reading obsession. People who really know me know that I HAVE to have something to read. I have the Kindle reader on my phone. I am plugged in people. Twitter? Yep. Got that. There are some other ones I am sure, but I haven't discovered them. Twitter, Facebook and this blog can keep me plenty busy, thank you very much.
It's late. I am sure I will read this in couple of days and wonder what the heck I was thinking. I am recovering from a 3 hour tour bike ride its time to hit the sack--After I update my Facebook status, Tweet everyone goodnight and sign off my blog. The digital revolution has arrived people, and I have been swept up in the tide of progress!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
My Little Prince
I can't believe it has been just over 8 weeks since my grandson was born. He is such a little angel on earth.. He is now at the age where he is just starting to smile and coo and I just can't get enough of watching him. His sisters dote on him, his grandpa in absolutely enthralled with him and I can't believe how tiny he is! He weighs just a few pounds more than his father did when he was born. I look at him and wonder just where time goes. It seems like just yesterday I was holding his father, my first born.He is the first male born in almost 24 years. My youngest son was the last one on both sides of the family. The twins are never far from my mind. As I watch the middle granddaughter, I can't help but wonder what they would be like...their personality, looks.
I feel so blessed to have these gifts , these grandchildren. I so look forward to sleep overs, and riding bikes and going on trips and hikes with all my grandchildren. What more can I ask for?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
15 more chances...
I don't about you, but I remember when Cheetos's had a nacho cheese flavor. I was addicted to those things. I was in the throes of a wicked bout of chemo and rarely had much of an appetite, but oh, those Cheetos were the best. Absolutely no nutritional value,but I really didn't care. The last time I had them was Mother's Day 1997. I remember that day like yesterday. It was a beautiful day. We spent the morning at church, then just drove around and had a relaxing day. I remember that I had to protect my skin from the sun because of all the medications I was taking to protect my organs from the chemo treatments.
I had no idea where the bruises and tiny red dots that covered my body had come from. When I called the nurse to report the strange sight, she immediately directed me to the hospital to receive a platelet transfusion. My body had stopped making them. I remember craving the Cheetos! I told the boys that I would be going to the hospital and would be back in a couple of hours. It was 6:00 p.m. No worries. While I got settled into my room and prepped to get the platelets, Andrew went to get my Cheetos.
I don't remember many details of what happened next, but I do remember this: the odd sensation of not being able to take a full breath. Of barely being able to stand, but catching a glimpse of my swollen face in the mirror as I stumbled to the hospital bed. Of collapsing, yet still being conscious but not having control of my body. I remember the sea of faces as the code was called. The nurse jamming a needle into my arm and saying "stay with us now, it's ok, we are giving you something to help". The doctor with a crash cart...I remember the thoughts running through my mind...that I would die on Mothers Day. That I told my boys I would be back home. That my husband was sitting at the foot of my bed and was going to witness this. I remember those things, I remember thinking that I hope he and the boys knew how much I loved them.
When I woke up, it was dark in the room. My husband was resting his head at the foot of the bed. I thought, oh my goodness I died and he is distraught. I actually pinched myself (very hard I might add), to make sure that I was indeed alive. It was 2:30 a.m. I called for the nurse and asked to be discharged. She tried to talk me out of it, but I was insistent. I wanted to hug my boys. I wanted to sleep in my bed next to my husband. I wanted to eat my Cheetoes!!
Ironically, in my haste to leave the hospital I left the Cheetoes!! Really! Oh but I gained so much more. Though just weeks later I would be told that there was nothing more that could be done to stop the rapid spread of the cancer, and then learning I could participate in a study...I was given a chance that has turned into 15 more. I have been give 15 years of life. 15 more birthdays. 15 more anniversaries. 15 more chances to be completely awed by my sons. 2 chances to see my children graduate. 3 chances to see my grandchildren's births, and the chance to anxiously await the birth of the 5th. 2 chances to say goodbyes to my grandmothers. 15 more chances to honor my mother and father. I have been so blessed that it is almost surreal.
I know who was in charge that night. God had his hand on me. I still don't know why, but I don't ever want to take for granted what He did for me then and continues to do for me now. I pray that God will give many, many more years to serve Him and enjoy this life that has been gifted to me. I am blessed beyond measure, and one day, just one day...Frito Lay will make nacho cheese flavored Cheetoes.
I had no idea where the bruises and tiny red dots that covered my body had come from. When I called the nurse to report the strange sight, she immediately directed me to the hospital to receive a platelet transfusion. My body had stopped making them. I remember craving the Cheetos! I told the boys that I would be going to the hospital and would be back in a couple of hours. It was 6:00 p.m. No worries. While I got settled into my room and prepped to get the platelets, Andrew went to get my Cheetos.
I don't remember many details of what happened next, but I do remember this: the odd sensation of not being able to take a full breath. Of barely being able to stand, but catching a glimpse of my swollen face in the mirror as I stumbled to the hospital bed. Of collapsing, yet still being conscious but not having control of my body. I remember the sea of faces as the code was called. The nurse jamming a needle into my arm and saying "stay with us now, it's ok, we are giving you something to help". The doctor with a crash cart...I remember the thoughts running through my mind...that I would die on Mothers Day. That I told my boys I would be back home. That my husband was sitting at the foot of my bed and was going to witness this. I remember those things, I remember thinking that I hope he and the boys knew how much I loved them.
When I woke up, it was dark in the room. My husband was resting his head at the foot of the bed. I thought, oh my goodness I died and he is distraught. I actually pinched myself (very hard I might add), to make sure that I was indeed alive. It was 2:30 a.m. I called for the nurse and asked to be discharged. She tried to talk me out of it, but I was insistent. I wanted to hug my boys. I wanted to sleep in my bed next to my husband. I wanted to eat my Cheetoes!!
Ironically, in my haste to leave the hospital I left the Cheetoes!! Really! Oh but I gained so much more. Though just weeks later I would be told that there was nothing more that could be done to stop the rapid spread of the cancer, and then learning I could participate in a study...I was given a chance that has turned into 15 more. I have been give 15 years of life. 15 more birthdays. 15 more anniversaries. 15 more chances to be completely awed by my sons. 2 chances to see my children graduate. 3 chances to see my grandchildren's births, and the chance to anxiously await the birth of the 5th. 2 chances to say goodbyes to my grandmothers. 15 more chances to honor my mother and father. I have been so blessed that it is almost surreal.
I know who was in charge that night. God had his hand on me. I still don't know why, but I don't ever want to take for granted what He did for me then and continues to do for me now. I pray that God will give many, many more years to serve Him and enjoy this life that has been gifted to me. I am blessed beyond measure, and one day, just one day...Frito Lay will make nacho cheese flavored Cheetoes.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
School is in session!
I started school (again) a few weeks ago. I have been working on completing my Bachelor's degree for many years. The time is finally right now. The kids are grown and out of the house, and though there are now grandchildren there is really no reason not to be able to focus and . I enrolled in an accelerated program so I can hurry up and be done. Our professor made sure to let us know that it is accelerated, not abbreviated. That is the truth. The homework seems benign at first, then BAM, it's crazy! I have to remember, I am paying for no less than an A grade. Many sacrifices will take place over the next 3 years.
We have learning teams and we are tasked with working together to teach a class together. I will be honest and say that I was very apprehensive about working in a team. I am from the old school, we didn't work on teams. Our effort was OUR effort, not contingent on anyone else. My team consists of 2 other classmates. So far so good, they are nice, and smart! We are going to be fine. It's not like attending traditional classes when you are sharing the class with 18 year olds who are there because their parents made them go. My fellow classmates are there because they WANT to be there. They are paying for this and want to learn, apply and move on.
Three years are going to come and go. When those three years are up, I will be a little bit book smarter and will be able to say that I have achieved my goal!
We have learning teams and we are tasked with working together to teach a class together. I will be honest and say that I was very apprehensive about working in a team. I am from the old school, we didn't work on teams. Our effort was OUR effort, not contingent on anyone else. My team consists of 2 other classmates. So far so good, they are nice, and smart! We are going to be fine. It's not like attending traditional classes when you are sharing the class with 18 year olds who are there because their parents made them go. My fellow classmates are there because they WANT to be there. They are paying for this and want to learn, apply and move on.
Three years are going to come and go. When those three years are up, I will be a little bit book smarter and will be able to say that I have achieved my goal!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Today marks the 2 years since our grandchildren Tiana & Drew III were born and died. I think about them EVERYDAY. I wonder what they would look like. What kind of personality they would have. Would they have that secret twin language? Who would be the Grammy's boy or girl or the Grampy's girl or boy? My mind just doesn't turn off. I can't stop thinking about the what if's and possibilities.
Since then we have been blessed with another beautiful granddaughter, Tatiyana. She is such an angel and it is so fun to watch her with her big sister Kamiyah. Soon there will be another addition to the family, as in May 2012 (hopefully on my birthday!) My son and his wife will welcome another bundle of joy to the world.
Nothing can take away the pain of losing the twins. No future grandchildren can ever replace them regardless of the fact that the they were only here for a blink of an eye. They were here. Then they were gone. Gone to be with our Heavenly Father. To occupy heaven until we all meet them there one day. They will never be forgotten.
Since then we have been blessed with another beautiful granddaughter, Tatiyana. She is such an angel and it is so fun to watch her with her big sister Kamiyah. Soon there will be another addition to the family, as in May 2012 (hopefully on my birthday!) My son and his wife will welcome another bundle of joy to the world.
Nothing can take away the pain of losing the twins. No future grandchildren can ever replace them regardless of the fact that the they were only here for a blink of an eye. They were here. Then they were gone. Gone to be with our Heavenly Father. To occupy heaven until we all meet them there one day. They will never be forgotten.
Now where did I put that...?
Here we are! Another Holiday season. Sad to say, I am not remotely close to having decorations up. It is now 4 days into December...last Thanksgiving I couldn't wait to get the tree and decorations up...Now here I am, almost 2 weeks after and still no tree.
This year will be a Louisa Mae Alcott Christmas... remember in Little Women when they made gifts for each other? Yes, that is me. Most people are getting handcrafted gifts that I hope they will find meaningful. There is just this one thing I didn't really take into account when I had this bright idea one week prior to Thanksgiving...TIME! When one ventures into the land of 'DIY' Christmas, it is really best to do so at least 6 months in advance. There is the shopping, prepping, planning, cutting out of patterns, frequent trips to the craft or fabric store for things you swear you have at home (and you do, just can't find them...). I keep asking myself what I was thinking...where I am going to find the time to complete these projects? Well, one thing I do know about myself is that I work well under pressure, back against the wall. I do some of my best work under those conditions. I think some people have another name for it. I think it's called procrastination! Now off to make those gifts...as soon as I find that one thing....
This year will be a Louisa Mae Alcott Christmas... remember in Little Women when they made gifts for each other? Yes, that is me. Most people are getting handcrafted gifts that I hope they will find meaningful. There is just this one thing I didn't really take into account when I had this bright idea one week prior to Thanksgiving...TIME! When one ventures into the land of 'DIY' Christmas, it is really best to do so at least 6 months in advance. There is the shopping, prepping, planning, cutting out of patterns, frequent trips to the craft or fabric store for things you swear you have at home (and you do, just can't find them...). I keep asking myself what I was thinking...where I am going to find the time to complete these projects? Well, one thing I do know about myself is that I work well under pressure, back against the wall. I do some of my best work under those conditions. I think some people have another name for it. I think it's called procrastination! Now off to make those gifts...as soon as I find that one thing....
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Float, float on, float on, float on...
Okay here we are. A little more than a year ago, I was terrified of the water. I could not take the water any higher than about my shoulders, and that was pushing it. Forget my feet not being able to touch the bottom of the pool! Finally at 41, after over 32 years of paralyzing fear of the water I signed up for swim lessons. I did OK, felt comfortable enough to put my head under water and use the kick board. It was a major accomplishment. I finished up and felt satisfied that I had made progress. But I couldn't give up the kick board.
So, fast forward to May of this year. We were on vacation and we went to the pool every night. It was so fun! The mister would hold my hands while I floated, I would put my head under the water...things I NEVER would have done before, except when I went to the Caribbean... and that was because I could stand, bend over and breathe with the snorkel mask! What really did it for me was watching our friends have so much fun swimming. We started lessons at the same time, but in different classes. I remember watching them while I would be in the aqua aerobic class and thinking "wow, they are SO brave! They're swimming"!! It just seemed so..magical. I remember thinking that I survived cancer and a transplant...surely I could conquer this water fear...yet I still just didn't trust that water.
So fast forward to a few weeks ago. I signed up for lessons again. I feel much more comfortable. The first few classes I just couldn't let go of the kick board. Then I remembered what my friend Al told me. She said she had to learn to relax her whole body, let go of the tension and just let the water hold her up. It seemed so foreign at the time...I just couldn't trust that the water was going to hold me up! Guess what? It does! It's true! It worked! I relaxed, and what do you know. I floated. I relaxed, and I was able to stroke, I relaxed and added the kicks. I finally was swimming! With absolutely NO FEAR. I finally trusted the water and let it do what it does. I still have a lot to learn but I look forward to the challenges.
This experience has been very cathartic for me, and what I realized is that it really a metaphor for my life outside the pool. I get myself very tense, won't let go of things (worry) and find it hard to 'float'. I forget that I can 'float' when I just trust God , when I just relax, let go and recognize that I can't control everything on my own, that God has my back and will always hold me up, even give me a kick board to hold to if I need it! Even when I get water in my nose, even when I swallow water, even when I started to tense up and sink. So, relax, lighten up and let yourself FLOAT!
So, fast forward to May of this year. We were on vacation and we went to the pool every night. It was so fun! The mister would hold my hands while I floated, I would put my head under the water...things I NEVER would have done before, except when I went to the Caribbean... and that was because I could stand, bend over and breathe with the snorkel mask! What really did it for me was watching our friends have so much fun swimming. We started lessons at the same time, but in different classes. I remember watching them while I would be in the aqua aerobic class and thinking "wow, they are SO brave! They're swimming"!! It just seemed so..magical. I remember thinking that I survived cancer and a transplant...surely I could conquer this water fear...yet I still just didn't trust that water.
So fast forward to a few weeks ago. I signed up for lessons again. I feel much more comfortable. The first few classes I just couldn't let go of the kick board. Then I remembered what my friend Al told me. She said she had to learn to relax her whole body, let go of the tension and just let the water hold her up. It seemed so foreign at the time...I just couldn't trust that the water was going to hold me up! Guess what? It does! It's true! It worked! I relaxed, and what do you know. I floated. I relaxed, and I was able to stroke, I relaxed and added the kicks. I finally was swimming! With absolutely NO FEAR. I finally trusted the water and let it do what it does. I still have a lot to learn but I look forward to the challenges.
This experience has been very cathartic for me, and what I realized is that it really a metaphor for my life outside the pool. I get myself very tense, won't let go of things (worry) and find it hard to 'float'. I forget that I can 'float' when I just trust God , when I just relax, let go and recognize that I can't control everything on my own, that God has my back and will always hold me up, even give me a kick board to hold to if I need it! Even when I get water in my nose, even when I swallow water, even when I started to tense up and sink. So, relax, lighten up and let yourself FLOAT!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Climbing Victory Mountain!
There were 6 of us. BFF and her husband, Fearless BFF and her husband, me and The Mister. It wasn't a sunny day, but there was no rain and minimum wind. Really can't ask for more at the Oregon Coast. Frankly, sun would have been my enemy because thqt hill was intense and the last thing I needed was warmth and sun!
So after FBFF got the Suburban stuck in the sand, then parking it in an area that we weren't supposed to (a friendly local lady was simultaneously giving us a warning about parking where we did- apparently we didn't have a boat trailer, were'nt rescuing anyone and were'nt helping someone bring in fish; the fact that Cape Kiwanda is the oldest and only port of its kind in the world for dory boats, and there is great whale watching...all that in like 10 minutes! Who knew?) We had to move it because something about running from the Sheriff didn' at sound appealing. Once settled. We made our way to the Sand Wall of Death. That's what it looked like to me. Of course FBFF and spouse, The Mister and BFF's Mister attacked the wall with a rabid vigor that was scary. They made it to the top, I swear they actually were running at one point! BFF and I were taking it SLOW, she has a bad shin, and me? well I just need to get out more than I do and possibly get some physical therapy for the month old leg injury... Soon BFF was ahead of me. I was using her footsteps to get along. Finally, after multiple stops to catch my breath and make sure that the pain I was feeling in my chest, and the numb cold feeling in my arms wasn't cardiac arrest I made it...and wow! What a view! My husband had already already summited and kept telling me it was worth it. From my vantage point I was not so sure and considered going back down, but pressed on anyway.
That little adventure got me thinking about life. As I was walking (and at one point practically crawling), I thought about those who have gone before me. Family, historical figures....people who paved a way for the life I live today. Free to go where I want, live where I want, be whoever I want to be. People who risked their lives standing up for what is just, right and fair. Each step I took on that dreaded sandy hill also made me think of the steps I will leave for those coming behind me and how important it is to keep going so when I make it to the top, I can let them know that yes, it is worth it!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
My New Love
My 3rd granddaughter was born on Tuesday February 22nd at 11:14 am. 7lbs 7oz, she came out eyes wide open ready to meet the world. I feel so blessed to have been a part of her birth. I have 2 angels on earth, and 2 in heaven. I have to confess that I spent a great part of the pregnancy in hyper alert state of anxiety. After the birth and passing of the twins at 5 months gestation, it was hard to relax. I worried about my son and daughter in law and how they would handle another loss. I worried about my husband and me and how we would make it through. I had nothing but my faith that God never puts more on us than we can bear, regardless of what we think when we are going through it. He has never let me down. Never.
So the love affair has begun. I am so excited about teaching her new things, hanging out with her and her sister. We are going to have so much fun. Grand parenting is the crown of life. It is such a blessing and privilege that I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming.
So the love affair has begun. I am so excited about teaching her new things, hanging out with her and her sister. We are going to have so much fun. Grand parenting is the crown of life. It is such a blessing and privilege that I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming.
Friday, November 26, 2010
The Perfect Thanksgiving III
Here we are again! Another Thanksgiving come and gone. This year I must say was very interesting. For one, the Mister was not here. He went off to surprise his parents in Kansas. For two, I did not host dinner at my house. I know. Weird. Practically un-American huh? You know, this year I just didn't have it in me. It has been a long, emotionally draining year. The tank is a little low people. Long before I even knew Mister would be in the land of Oz, just thinking about cooking, and making my house company presentable and all the other craziness that comes with me doing dinner made me tired and long for a nap.
Now come on, if you have been reading my blog then you know I love Thanksgiving and well, am the Hostess with the Mostest.... (The Perfect Thanksgiving II and The Perfect Thanksgiving I Honestly at first everything just seemed off and not right about not hosting. For a very brief, and I do mean brief-second, I felt guilty. Like I was betraying the day and everyone in the family! Like I said, that was brief.
They day turned out perfect, even though I didn't see my dad (he got sick just before he was to come by), my daughter in law and Grand baby weren't there (Grand baby knows her limitations and told her mom and dad she needed a nap, and DIL broke bread with her family), and The Mister was in the land of Oz. This was the first time in our 25+ years together that we weren't together for a holiday, and I miss him terribly.
I woke up later than I had wanted, got the potato salad and cake (the only things I was responsible for...) done later than I wanted, but hey they got done! Dinner was fabulous, I love my family so much. I have to say though, the BEST parts of the day really were simple. Cooking with the youngest son and talking about life, pretending not to peek at the way he makes salmon...the best rosemary salmon ever I might add. Witnessing his stroke of genius idea to make champagne cupcakes...hilarious! He is so smart, and so funny. It was absolutely priceless. The second part was hanging out with the Grand baby after dinner. She and I decorated the Christmas tree and let me tell you, the look in her eyes when she opened the boxes and saw the ornaments...words can't describe, you just would have had to be there. We talked and she told me where to put the ornaments (though at one point she was calling them 'decorates' instead of ornaments).
The day is gone now. We completed our task of decorating the tree. Right now Grand baby is sleeping soundly next to me. I had grand plans to go to the craft store with her in tow but decided that was not going to be the best thing to do after she told me she didn't want to go. Something about Brown Thursday, craft store and late hours with a 3 year old didn't sound too appealing to me either.
In a few hours we will wake up and start a new adventure. We have a few more things to buy for the tree, she asked if we can buy an ornament for her sister Tatiana who is due to be born in February. She didn't think it fair that her brother and sister who are in heaven got ornaments but Tatiana didn't. I didn't even know where to take that conversation so I just told her okay, we will go get one and she can choose it. Yep, priming the pump because I can already see the resistance when she realizes we are going to the the craft store! I can't wait see what wonders await us. I am so grateful that it was another perfect Thanksgiving.
Now come on, if you have been reading my blog then you know I love Thanksgiving and well, am the Hostess with the Mostest.... (The Perfect Thanksgiving II and The Perfect Thanksgiving I Honestly at first everything just seemed off and not right about not hosting. For a very brief, and I do mean brief-second, I felt guilty. Like I was betraying the day and everyone in the family! Like I said, that was brief.
They day turned out perfect, even though I didn't see my dad (he got sick just before he was to come by), my daughter in law and Grand baby weren't there (Grand baby knows her limitations and told her mom and dad she needed a nap, and DIL broke bread with her family), and The Mister was in the land of Oz. This was the first time in our 25+ years together that we weren't together for a holiday, and I miss him terribly.
I woke up later than I had wanted, got the potato salad and cake (the only things I was responsible for...) done later than I wanted, but hey they got done! Dinner was fabulous, I love my family so much. I have to say though, the BEST parts of the day really were simple. Cooking with the youngest son and talking about life, pretending not to peek at the way he makes salmon...the best rosemary salmon ever I might add. Witnessing his stroke of genius idea to make champagne cupcakes...hilarious! He is so smart, and so funny. It was absolutely priceless. The second part was hanging out with the Grand baby after dinner. She and I decorated the Christmas tree and let me tell you, the look in her eyes when she opened the boxes and saw the ornaments...words can't describe, you just would have had to be there. We talked and she told me where to put the ornaments (though at one point she was calling them 'decorates' instead of ornaments).
The day is gone now. We completed our task of decorating the tree. Right now Grand baby is sleeping soundly next to me. I had grand plans to go to the craft store with her in tow but decided that was not going to be the best thing to do after she told me she didn't want to go. Something about Brown Thursday, craft store and late hours with a 3 year old didn't sound too appealing to me either.
In a few hours we will wake up and start a new adventure. We have a few more things to buy for the tree, she asked if we can buy an ornament for her sister Tatiana who is due to be born in February. She didn't think it fair that her brother and sister who are in heaven got ornaments but Tatiana didn't. I didn't even know where to take that conversation so I just told her okay, we will go get one and she can choose it. Yep, priming the pump because I can already see the resistance when she realizes we are going to the the craft store! I can't wait see what wonders await us. I am so grateful that it was another perfect Thanksgiving.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)